I don't know what to say. Its the day after the terrorist acts that took place. The World Trade Center (twin towers), in New York was hit by a commerical jetliner. Both buildings where hit by different planes, the Pentagon also was hit by a plane. WTC buildings both imploded about 30minutes to an hour after the planes hit them. A horrible, horrible, horrible has happened. I am guessing that the death toll in New York is going to be around 10,000-15,000 people. In DC the death toll is somewhere near 800 people. No one really knows who did this, but people are saying Bin Ladin is connected to the terrorist acts. Bin Ladin is a terrorist that lives in Afganastan (spelling?). President Bush is probably planning on going to War, which I don't blame him. We lost too many innocent poeple on 9/11/01. I think I am still in shock... I can't begin to imagine how things are in New York right now. You know all of the Arab stores, and what not across the country are getting shit for this. I don't think that is right, those people had nothing to do with it. Hell, most of them are American citizens.

Chane of Topic

Ok, I think it is safe to say that I have been played as a fool. Crystal said a few weeks before she left, that she was going into our "relationship" as just a summer fling. She said that she instead fell in love with me, which is good. Once she got in NY everything changed. I think the last time I really talked, or chatted with her was like a week ago. When I asked her what was up, why she was acting differently. She said that "Less is really more, Steve." So, I'm thinking "ok she is in school now, and has a lot of shit going on. I can respect that, and not bother her." I sent her an email the other day just saying what I have been doing lately, saying that I miss her.. blah blah blah. Well she replys with this short email, which has a cynical undertone. At the end of the email she says "Looks like you are up to your old tricks. Take Care -Crystal" That is the biggest bullshit line. You say that when you don't really want to make conversation with the person, but you feel like you have to say something. Its all good though, I don't care anymore. With all the shit that has happened to me this year, I have become a little harder and colder. I just don't care about things like I used too. I know I am probably not good for a relationship now. I think I am pretty much emotionally dead. I don't even want a relationship, ever. There is one person though that would change my mind. Although I know that would never happen. I really can't explain my attraction to her. Its more than just because she is one of the hottest women I have ever seen. I just get this feeling when I'm around her. We are also on the same level, intellectually. When I was with Crystal, she was too smart for me and for her own good. She let it go to her head sometimes and I didn't like that. Michelle, now she was just way below me but I couldn't expect much she is only 18. This other girl, it seems like we are on the same level. We also seem to get a long really well. I just know she is way out of my league, and if I was ever to date her it would be a work of God, or something. I know thinking like this is only going to set me up so I can fall farther and harder. I shouldn't try for things that are out of my reach.

You know, I have so many feelings and ideas running around in my head. I really think that I am one fucked up person. I am just depressed. That is all there is too it. It seems like everything is depressing too. Fuck it.

I tried to talk to Crystal yesteday but she was being kind of short with me like she didn't want to talk. Then when I got off work last night (I was supposed to get off at 11, but I got off early so I could call her before it got too late). She was busy, and just said bye really quick and hung up. Well today, I am at work. I sign onto AIM and Crystal isn't signed on. I think this is weird, because she leaves her computer on all the time, and AIM running all the time. So, later in the day I switch screen names to see if anyone important with is on line, in my other buddy list. I sign on, and Crystal is signed on with an away message running. I sign off, and back to my other screen name and she isn't signed off. I start thinking, why would she appear to be off line on one account, but the other she is on line. So, I added my screen names to the others buddy list (SteveBoatright20, and Seclusion21). I signed on with both accounts, and did a little test. I blocked Seclusion21 from SteveBoatright20. When I did this, Seclusion21 signed off from my SteveBoatright20 account. On the Seclusion21 account, my SteveBoatright20 account signed off. So, this proves that you can block an someone and the blocker will appear off line to the blockee. Crystal blocked my SteveBoatright20 account (my main one I always use). I really hope she doesn't think that I am that stupid not to figure it out. I am a network engineer. I'm supposed to figure these type of things out. I can't believe that she did that. Does she really not want to talk to me?? I wonder if I should confront her about it. I know what I will do. I wont try to talk to her for the next few days, no IM's, no email, no phone calls. I am going to do this just to see if she tries to contact me. If she doesn't, then she doesn't and there isn't anything I can do. I will just send her an email, tell her what I know and how I feel. Fuck, why does shit have to suck? I find this awesome, beautiful, smart, perfect woman and she acts like this. Oh well, maybe she isn't perfect. Lets stop talking about this....

Lets see, what am I doing this weekend. Absolutly nothing. I have no plans, except for working friday and saturday night. I may go over to Johns house and hang out. Other than that, I have no plans. Pretty exciting huh? I may clean my truck this weekend, I don't have shit else to do.

It has been a few days since Crystal left. Its really starting to sink in that she's not around. I have talked to her a few times on the phone, and a few times on the computer. This weekend, is really going to suck. I have seen her every weekend for the last three months. I am going to try to talk to her tonight on the phone, if she isn't too busy going out with her friends. I should just stop thinking about this, its making me sad.

The last couple days, I have been trying to get my hair cut with no luck. Everytime, I go up there to get my hair cut they say it will only take about 10 minutes for me to get in. So, I sit down and wait. Soon, it becomes about 12:20 and I have to leave to go to work. It is really starting to piss me off, because I really need to get my hair cut. While we're on the topic of things that piss me off let me talk about my parents for a little bit. I just recently got an ounce of bud. My mom wanted a quarted, but I didn't have a scale so I just broke her off some buds over a few days. Well, what I have given her has equalled out to a quarter. I now have about half an ounce left, and thats from Friday when I had an ounce. They keep calling me wanting more, bitching and what not. Next time I buy weed, I am NOT going to hook anyone else up. I am going to smoke it all by my self, unless someone comes over and smokes with me. I am going to buy some scales tonight, so I can weigh what I have left. If I have less than half an ounce, I'll be pissed.

I just talked to Crystal, on AIM. It seemed like she only talked to me, because she felt like she *had* to talk to me. Oh well. God, I wish I could go home. This fucking sucks.

Crystal is in New York today, she had an 8am flight. I already miss her too... Last night I took her out to eat a J.Gilberts, which is a really nice steak house here in KC. The bill, for just her and I was 60 dollars with tip. So its not that expensive. After that, we rented a movie and went back to my place and watched it. There was this weird feeling in the air when we where watching the movie. I would start staring at her, to try to get a good picture in my head to keep. When the movie was over with, it was about 10pm so we decided to leave because she had to be up early in the morning. I drove really slow to her house, to try and prolong my moment with her. When we got to her house, we where sitting in the drive way, and I really didn't want to walk her to her porch. Because I knew it would be the last time for a while, and I know I would start crying or something. But I did, and I did pretty good until the final goodbye. I ran back and hugged her and started crying, so I turned around realy quick and walked really fast to my truck. I love her so much! She called me twice today, once this afternoon and then later this evening. I think she misses me too, or else she wouldn't have called. I am so lucky that I have such a wonderful woman as my girlfriend. While she's away at college, I am going to get myself out of dept, get my own place, start saving loads of money, and probably start going to school. I want to make myself better for her, so that she wants to stay with me. I really do love her a lot. Well I am off to surf da 'net.