Ok, its been a month. Let me fill you in on the goods...
April and I are doing so well, that we finally got a place together. We move in on 7/12. I am SOO excited. Its one thing to have a room mate, but its another thing to be madly in love with your room mate. :) I'm so lucky. I knew last year that I liked April, but I had no idea how much I could fall in love with her. She is so good for me. Its weird, when we first started dating, I had a really hard time letting my self be loved, or showing emotions. The main reason is that I didn't want to get hurt, but April is worth the risk of being hurt. She is... well I can't really describe how she is exactly. Imagine someone so much like yourself, that you can finish each other sentences, you think the same things, and you love that person with all of your being. Its really seems, and feels almost too good to be true. But I know its not, because April puts up with me. She puts up with me not knowing how to manage money (she's actually really good with money, so hopefully I'll catch on quickly :) ), puts up with all of my weird little twerks, puts up with my family, its like I found the perfect woman... and she's all mine :) Speaking of being all mine, she's hot too. Short, sexy, mexican girl (yummy)... long dark hair, beautiful dark eyes, perfect skin, very sexy body (another yummy), an ass that doesn't stop.. its like DAMN! Makes me want to hit it from behind so bad! See, right now, she thinks that I'm a sexually null, retarded, or something because I don't really seem to `crave` sex that much. She doesn't believe me when I say the biggest reason behind that, is that my parents sleep in the next room over. I just can't wait till this friday night. OMG... heh
Anyways, I need to get back to work... I just felt like writing about my baby :)

WOW! Months have passed, and let me tell you life is getting sooooooo good. My mom is doing a lot better. Her doctors have changed her chemo to a different type, which doesn't make her as sick. My girlfriend (who I love a lot), is awesome. I couldn't be happier with her. Infact, we're going on a cruise in a few months through the Bahamas!!!! I plan on having the time of my life with her down there. That is going to be SOOOOO cool. Speaking of girlfriends... let me tell ya about her real quick.
Her name is April. She was a friend, of this girl I dated last year. I liked her back then, but out of respect for (we'll call her Cunnie) Cunnie, I didn't make a move on her and April didn't make a move either. But, we've been together since March, and I am still as excited to see her and be with her as I was when we was first dating. Right now, I'm trying to coax her into eating lunch with me... but she's not saying anything. Grrr :) We're actually going to get a place together. Last night, I was driving around smoking... and saw this sign for a house. Now, April and I have been looking for about a month now... and we both have things preventing us from getting a place. Well, a Owner Fianced home would probably work out best for us. So, I'm driving around smoking... and I see this little itty bitty sign that says "House for Sale, Owner Fiancing available...blahblahblah", so I drive down too it and its a bad ass 2.5level 2car garage home. I drove April by, and she liked it too. So, today sometime I gotta call the number and see whats going on with it. I'll keep ya posted... so now I gotta get back to work. More to come... hopefully not in two months :)

This last week has been really exciting. I got in contact with an old friend of mine... She is so awesome. The last few days, we have been spending a lot of time together... and to be completely honest I have been having a blast. She is so fun to be around, a good example is the other night we sat and talked, laughed, had a good time *all night* long... until about 3am! When I'm around her, I just feel so good. Whats funny, is that the last few months I have been looking for a "girlfriend". Well, we all know that when you are looking you can't find what you are looking for. So, as it would turn out when I really stop looking and when it doesn't matter is when I meet one of the coolest women I've met. Turns out she feels the same about me, and has pretty much been right under my nose. When I met her last year, I was attracted to her.. now I think I have a good chance to be with her. Ahh life is good. :) ....somewhat

I don't know how long it has been since I have wrote in here. Doesn't seem like much has changed recently... I just feel like I am missing something. Like there is something out there for me, but I don't know what it is or how to get it...

My mom is doing a lot better. Its really good to see her doing good, but the chemo is really hard on her. She only has good days every once and a while. Today was a good day. Just makes me sad as hell, like really sad. There are some times I think that... well if there is a god it must be a cock sucking bastard. Lately, I have been empathizing with other people - like on TV, or just other peoples problems. There is a lot of fucked up shit that goes on to people all around us.

I have so much going around and around in my head right now... i just can't seem to find a way to write it out... errrr!!!!

I don't know what I am going to do. I got paid thursday, which was a grand then I gave my mom 600 for a test, which left about 400. I got a letter from ford saying that if they don't get 900 something on monday, they will reposess my truck. I swear to god, I hate money. I just wish I could get a break every once and a while. I have no idea as to how I'm going to come up with 500 dollars in two days. I don't have anything to sell, or take back. I do have a PS2, but my mom got me that for christmas, and I would hate to get ride of it. I swear, life sucks so fucking bad sometimes. So now this is another thing I am stressing over... but hey at least I know that is one thing I'm good at. I just do not know of any way I can come up with that money. I don't know anyone I can borrow it from, nothing to sell, nothing at all. Oh well, I'll just have to sit and think of something. I know I'll be able to figure something out. I know what my problem is, I can't save any money. No matter how hard I try... something always comes up. My dad needs money, I need to pay the bills this month, that month, my dad does something stupid again, he needs more money, my mom's stupid ass jewish insurance needs money, the shitty fucking hospital needs money. Then sometimes, every once in a while I splurge and spend money. Then I feel guitly as fuck, because I realize late that I could have used that money for something, instead of blowing it. But its all good, life is meant to be a bitch and you can't change the hand your delt right?

Ok, its been a little bit sence I wrote. Not much has changed, I'm still a worthless son. At least I feel that way. God, I feel sooo horrible right now. I really want to just leave work and go spend some time with my Mom. I haven't really spent any time with her lately, because I have been out partying too much. That was just my way to deal with whats going on, and its not the right way at all. I think a big thing is Jon.... I shouldn't hang around that guy so much. The last three, or four nights I have been getting drunk with him. God, I wasn't like this last year. I am going to get my shit together, from this day forward. Also tonight I'm going to hang out and chill with my Mom. I would like to take her out to a movie or something. Hopefully she will feel ok later this evening. I just hate it that I get off at 8pm. That really sucks. I wish I got off work earlier, that way I could go home and hang out with my Mom. Maybe go up to my grandparents with her. I haven't seen my Grandparents in a few weeks. I honestly feel shitty right now. This is a "self pitty" thing either. Last night I prayed that I could be forgiven for how I have been acting lately. I hope that I am, because I feel like start over again. I know how cheese that sounds, but that is what I'm feeling. Its like, I really gotta get my shit together... and if I don't I'm going to be lost forever. All I have to do is be a man, and spend time with my Mom. I don't want to lose her, I know its going to happen. I love her though.

Monday, my Mom had to go and get some sort of "tube" put into her chest, and neck because her veins can't handle the chemo treatments. I went and saw her in the hospital that day, and she looked really bad. It was probably because of the surgery. Later that evening, probably around midnight I had to help her out of bed. Her neck hurt so bad, that she couldn't move her head and she couldn't get out of bed. It.... it really scared me because.. well I know my Mom is dying and its really hard to see her like that. Just a few months ago she was fine. Last week, all of her hair fell out. You would not believe how hard it is to see your mother like that. She had to be in the hospital on christmas day, christmas fucking day. I wish I knew when she was going to go... actually I don't think that I do. You just don't know how hard this is... the other night really scared me. After that night, all I could keep thinking of is my mom saying "I'm going to miss you the most...." And also her saying that she wishes she could see me get married and have children. This has really questioned my faith in God. I wasn't much of a believer before... I think Chef from Southpark said it best.....

"Stan, sometimes God takes those closes to us because it makes him feel better about himself, he is a very vengeful god Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago, he just can't get over it so he doesn't care who he takes, children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad..... Well, look at it this way, if you want to make a baby cry first you give it a lollipop, then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like god, who gives us life, and love, and health just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, its our tears Stan that give god his great power."