05/15/01 -
Today was my first day at work. I like this job, its a huge change of pace from what I was doing. I am working out side, checking in Semi's so they can get loaded on trains. Its really easy, and simple. Its a good break from what I was doing, because I was getting pretty damn tired of working with computers. I have seriously been thinking about going to college for some sort of business management, or engineering degree. Later this week, I am going to go up to a local college to talk them about it. Nothing else really happened today. When I got home from work, I called Michelle and we talked for about an hour and a half. Mostly was just friendly conversation, but every once and a while there was some bitterness. I hope that we can still remain friends, I really don't see why not. Just got to give it some time for all the bitterness to go away.
05/14/01 -
Its Monday, still don't have a good job and I haven't started the job down at the Rail Road yet. Michelle is still ignoring my calls, and life still sucks. I think I am going to use some of that money I won at the casino to buy a couple shirts, because I don't have any good t-shirts. I just tried calling Michelle, and she didn't answer. I think I am going to *try* not calling her and see if she calls me. If she doesn't, then I know how she feels and if she does then I know that she cares. I know to her I may seem like a psycho, but its so hard to be in love with someone and to have that person not feel the same about you, when they did at one time.
05/13/01 -
Today is Mothers Day. It was pretty good... first I went to my mom's side of the family and had Bar-B-Q, chilled with the family. Then my Grandma, Mom and I went down to a river boat casino. I hit a jackpot off of $25, which was really cool because I don't have one of those Job things :) My Grandma, and Mom lost their money and didn't win anything. Last night, I had a horrible dream. I dreamt that Michelle had another boyfriend, his name was Josh. I had went over to Michelle's house and he was there, sitting on Michelle's bed with her. They started kissing, then he turned to me and said "Get out you fucking psycho" I must had left, because next thing I remember was that I was at home and my phone rings, it was Michelle's new boyfriend yelling at me. Then the next scene I was at some store, talking with the other people inside when Michelle came in and told me how sorry she was and that she wanted me back. Next thing that happened, we was at my house when Josh came in my room and Michelle said "I'm just messing with ya, I don't really want you back. You fucking psycho." The worst thing about that dream, was that I woke up a few times and ever time I went back to sleep the dream picked up where it left off, and it seemed so real. It really sucks to be so deeply in love with someone, and at one time that person feeling the same way about you, then they feel nothing toward you. I can honestly say there is no pain worse than that. I am starting to think that I will never get over Michelle. There is this one girl that I have been hanging out with named Jennifer. Every time that I am with her, I think of Michelle. Its awful, because no matter what I do I can't seem to quit thinking about her. Its like a two year relationship is over at the snap of a finger. She is the one with no feelings, and I'm left with all the feelings. Its like when someone loses an arm or a leg. They still have the feeling that the arm or leg is still there, but when they look down there is actually nothing there. What really made today suck, was that dream. Then Michelle never called me like she said that she would, I tried calling her cell phone and it went right into voice mail. Then I tried calling her house, and no answer. I know what to do, but I don't want to do it. I know I need to just sever ties, walk my separate way. It is so hard to do that though, so very hard...
05/12/01 -
Ok, where to start for today... This afternoon I had to go and and take my drug test and physical for that Rail Road job. Let me tell ya, the physical was a little unnerving. It was ok at first, peed in a cup... took the eye test... the hearing test. Then the nurse led me into a room and said "Undress to your under clothes, the doctor will be in here shortly." I was thinking "Ok, I'm going to strip down to the green underwear that I am wearing, wait 20 minutes for someone to walk in who I don't know." So, I didn't get undressed until the doctor came in. It was a very old man doctor, he was nice, but really old. I had to get down to my undies, and he did the whole "Turn your head and cough" routine. It only took about an hour, so it wasn't all that bad. After that, I took my cell phone up to get fixed, this is the 5th time I have taken it up there. I think they have it fixed now though... Then I pretty much did nothing the rest of the afternoon. Later in the evening, I had a really big fight with Michelle. We was chatting on the internet, everything was good, having friendly conversation. Then I saw that one of the guys she had broken up with me for before came online. So, I jokingly said that he was on. She said that he isn't saying anything to her because she had tried sending him messages. Then about 5 minutes later she said that I had told him something to so he would be mad at her and not talk to her. I tried calling to to see if she actually meant that, and she hung up on me. So I tried calling back about 4 more times and she kept hanging up on me. Then I started talking to her on the computer and I told her it was really sad and silly for her to blame that on me when I really don't want to say on word to the guy at all. She still didn't believe me and was saying "Don't ever call me again, I don't ever want to talk to you again" and calling me a bunch of bad names. So, I sent a message to the guy and asked him if I had said anything to him. He said no, and I copied that to Michelle. It turned into a really big fight over nothing at all, and I really get sick of her blaming things on me when they're not my fault. I'll accept blame ifs its my fault, and there is plenty of times when I have messed up before. I am really sick of it all. I'm so sick of it, I don't even feel like typing about it anymore. I really want to forget everything. Why can't life be that easy? ;-) Well, its about time for me to go to bed.
05/11/01 -
Well, I found out that I am *too* qualified for that position that my contractor told me about the other day. That kinda sucks, because I was really hoping that I would get that job. I do have a new job, I start next week. Its down at the Rail Road by my house. It pretty much consists of checking in Semi's so they can be loaded on trains. It only pays $8.50 an hour. Its going to be hard going from a $20 an hour job to that, but its work. I can work all the over time I want, so I plan on putting in like 12 hour or more days.
Its really weird, as each day passes, it seems like Michelle and I are growing farther and farther a part. I really want to see her, and go out with her this week like we used to do but I have a feeling its not going to happen. I asked her if she wanted to go out Saturday night, she said "I don't know..." That is what she always says, and it usually means "No." So, I don't expect to see her this weekend. She said that she wants to be friends with me and still go out and do things with me, but it really feels like I am getting faded out. Its really hard to see that happen, especially with the person that I asked to marry me. I really think that what's going on between Michelle and I right now is why things have been so hard on me over the last 3 weeks. Every time I turn on the TV or hear a song, it reminds me of her. Actually, everything reminds me of her...
05/09/01 -
Today, was just like every other day recently. I woke up, checked my email to see if I got any responses to my resume (which I didn't). Then I went and got some lunch. Pretty much a boring day. I did get a call from a contracting company telling me that there is another open position in Sprint that I would be qualified for. They told me that they are sending my resume over to the manager, and that I should hear something tomorrow. I also went up to a local mall and saw an old friend of mine. Right now its 10pm, I was really hoping Michelle would have called today but she hasn't yet. I don't really expect her to either. Kinda sucks, she says "I don't want a relationship right now..." I really don't know what to make of the whole situation. She has broken up with me before, and when she did it was for other guys. We would always get back together soon after the break up. This time is different. When I start to let go and move on, she starts talking to me more. When I start to show interest in her, she backs off.. So, I don't know what to do. I am pretty confused right now.
On another note, I did meet this other woman the other day. Her name is Aimee, she seems really cool. We like a lot of the same things. Which is kinda weird, to find someone who likes the same things I like :-) Hopefully we can become friends. Who knows...
05/08/01 -
Because I'm just starting this, I should give a background on my life. Two years ago, I met this wonderful woman, named Michelle. When we met, we hit if off and feel deeply in love. Over the two year period, we had our problems just like any other couple. We broke up a couple times, and got back together. On February 14th 2001, I asked Michelle to marry me. She said yes! Then a month later, she came to me on my birthday and said that she just wanted to be friends. Pretty hard blow. We have been "kinda" dating sense then, but it is starting to taper off. On April 19th, I also lost my job. I was on contract at Sprint as a Network Engineer. It was a really sweet job, but contracting sucks. With out notice, or reason they can end your contract and your gone. I wasn't expecting to lose my job, so it has been really rough lately. Right now, in the KC area there are no companies hiring any Engineers/Administrators. Or any at least that don't want to hire me ;-). I have been on a couple interviews, one was with another manager within Sprint and he could barely speak English. Lets just say that it didn't go very well. I had to keep asking him to repeat things because I couldn't understand him. I think what I am going to do, is get a couple part time jobs, and go to school. I never went to college, because right out of high school I had an awesome well paying job. So, I really didn't *want* to go to school. I'm not sure what I am wanting to go for, maybe some sort of business management. I really want to start my own networking consulting firm. Also there are my parents, which fight all the time about money and throw the word divorce around like monkeys slinging shit. The always fight about money, and sometimes me. Then they try to make me choose sides. That is all I can think of for now, this should help who ever reads this log whenever I talk about one of these topics.
