You know, even when things are looking up for you.. life can still suck. Take today, I have no reason to feel shitty and to be depressed. I have a nice job with Everest, I have the best girl as my girlfriend, I have a nice truck, I have a cute dog, no reason right? I still am. I think I am just really fucked up or something. I wonder if its human nature to pick out more flaws than good? It seems that everyone can easily find more bad in a person, or thing before they can find good... You know what I wish? I wish that there was some way I could just open up my mind and just put everything on here, and let people feel what I feel. It is so hard to find words to discribe how I feel sometimes, like right now. I have typed out, and errased about four sentences because after I would type them it wouldn't sound exactly how I feel. I think thats why I it seems so hard for me, and why I am depressed. Because I don't know what I feel, if I did know I could discribe it. I know I am just rambling on...

Lets talk about my day. It was a pretty normal day, I went to work and did nothing for about the first 2 hours. During the afternoon, it picked up and was pretty steady. That was nice because it was 3 before I knew it and time for me to go home. There was just one problem, I was having problems adding this fucking order and I didn't get out of there until like 4. Usually I wouldn't care, but I was SOOOOOOOOOO tired.... I was seriously falling asleep when I was talking to this one girl today. I would feel my head start to fall over and wake myself up. I talked to Crystal for about a minute or two while I was on my lunch break. I guess she was having a bad day too, because she kind of snapped at me :-) Its ok though, her job is a hell of a lot more stressful than mine. She works too hard, and too much down there. Usually, she is at work for about 10 hours a day. Its ok to work overtime, but not all the time. You'll get burned out... It will be good for her next month when she leaves for NY to get away from her job ;)

Ok thats it for tonight, my fucking dad needs a ride home from work. Goddamn...

Ok, lets go over what happened this weekend. Not much really. Friday, I didn't go out and do anything because Crystal went out with some of her friends that just got back into town, so I just sat at home and watched tv, play on the computer, just being real bored. Saturday, I had a little chat with Michelle on the computer. You know how when you're with someone for a long time, like two years, that person can hurt you more than anyone else? Well, she did exactly that. I had told her a long time ago, that I thought I was bi. Well, during our little "chat" it got pretty heated, and us blaming shit on the other person. Then she said "The reason you are having so many problems because you are hiding in the closet." That was a low fucking blow, even for her. That made me realize exactly how she is - like her sisters. Cold back stabbing bitches. That not only hurt me, but changed my perspective of her. I would have never, ever thought of her to say something like that. Its really sad that now I realize that's how she is. Another thing we "chatted" about was that while we where dating, she treated me like complete shit. She was always very controlling, and if she didn't get her way it would ruin her day or the next few days. There was one time I had went to her house, and I was wearing a shirt she didn't like. She made me drive home (I lived 20 minutes away from her) just to change it. So, I spent a good 40 minutes changing my shirt for her. Well, I brought that up to her too and told her not to act like that with her new boyfriend, or if he is any kind of man it wouldn't stand for it. She snapped back and said "I only did that because I didn't care about you, and I knew I could get away with it." Now, that is a very low thing. Even for someone to say that and not mean it is low, but I am sure she did mean it. I am so glad that she is out of my life now... Its like this huge weight has been lifted. Big relief.

Saturday night, I rented some movies because I was going to stay home and watch them. Crystal had gone to a bacheloret party, so I didn't have any plans of going out. Well, later in the night around 10pm I got online to check some mail when my co-worked sent me a message, and asked if I want to come over and drink. Most people from work was over there, so I decided to go. I figured that Crystal wouldn't be home till early in the morning. I get over there, and we go to this whitetrash bar in Independence called like the Pitt Stop. We stayed there for a few hours drinking and playing pool having a good time. Well the bar closed at 1:30am and everyone still wanted to drink so we went down to Westport. People just got drunker down there ;-)

Sunday, I got to see Crystal!!! We went out to dinner with her friend April, then we went to April's apartment and chilled for a little bit. It was so nice to see her, I missed her so much! I don't get to see her today, but I will tomorrow. There is a concert that my boss gave me tickets for. The band is called Flicketstick. They are supposed to be pretty good, they won the VH1 Band on the Run. I don't know if we'll go though.... we haven't been able to spend much Steve and Crystal time lately, and we don't have much time left before she leaves for school on 09/03/01. That is about a month from today. Not very much time left. I don't really want her to leave, but I don't have much of a choice in the matter ;-) She says that we're going to put things on hold while she's at school, but I don't see why we still can't stay together. I'm not going to want to see her every weekend or anything like that. I just want to talk to her, and be able to hear her voice... I also worry that I will get replaced while she's away. I know I worry too much, I'm not going to let it show though. I don't want her to think I'm this weak guy or anything. I made that mistake once, being weak and look where it got me. I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made before... I really think that Crystal and I.... I'm not going to say it. I don't want to jinx anything. I know that if I do, something will happen.

I think its about time for me to get back to work. I have about 45 minutes left... so maybe I'll write some more tonight.

It has been a very long time since I have written to this. Let me give ya the low down on whats been happening. Damn where to start.... a lot of things have happen since the last time I have written. I am no longer interested in that girl I work with named Amy. I found out that she is a chickenhead. The whole time her and I were going out and having fun, she was lying to me about the guy she was with. She was telling me that they was split up, so I believed her. Then his sister talked to me, and told me the whole story. So, I called the guy that she is with and told him what was going on. I didn't do this out of revenge or anything like that. I have been in his position many times before, and when your with a girl that lies you will never find out the truth. I always wished that someone would have come to me, those many times, and told me the truth. He and I talked for a good hour on the phone. He confronted her, and she lied to him about it for a few days. Then she told him the truth. I'm glad, because they are going pretty good from what I hear.

Now, here is the biggest news. I am now dating a friend of mine named Crystal. Her and I have known each other for a year and a half or so, we always had this little innocent flirty thing between us. I never once thought that it would *ever* turn into anything. Well, she went to New York for college and we just kinda stopped talking. So, I am on AOL in a chat room just chillin (this is very rare for me. I hardly EVER get into AOL chat rooms), when I see her screen name. So, I sent her a message "hey whats up, are you still in ny?" We started talking, and soon after that she called me and we talked some more just catching up and all the good stuff. I asked if she was still with her boyfriend that she was with last year and she said she was, but probably not for very much longer. She asked if I was still with Michelle, and I told her the story and said that I wasn't. So, after a week or so talking on the phone she invites me over to her friends house at like midnight one night. Keep in mind, we have never met each other before. Only chatted, and talked on the phone. I go over there, and I am completely blown away by her! She has to be one of the hottest women I've seen. Dark red hair, gorgeous eyes, perfect body. We'll we're hanging out at her friends, watching a movie and smoking a few joints :-) When it was time to go, she walked me out... and I can't explain the feeling that came over me but it was very good. We kinda stood out by my truck real close and we kissed. It was the best kiss ever. After that, we started seeing each other more and more. Now we are officially an "item." I have never met anyone like Crystal before. She is very intelligent, very open minded, will go out and do almost anything, the greatest personally, likes my friends, likes me for who I am. I am in love with her. She is just so... wow. I can't explain it. There is one bad thing though - She is leaving in a month to go back to New York for school. This isn't a bad thing for her, its a bad thing for me. I am getting attached to her, and I know when she goes back to school my chances of her still wanting to be with me are slim to none. Why would a girl like her, want something to do with me? She could have any guy she wanted, and at her school there are many more men that are better than me in every aspect. Better looking, smarter, have a better future. They are just on a different level than I am on. So, I know I don't stand a snow balls chance in hell when she goes back. Although she has said that she does love me too. Maybe I am just worrying over nothing, who knows. I just don't want to get my heart broken again. I think if I did I would completely rule out dating, relationships, marriage, the whole nine.

Another thing that has happened is that I got a decent job. I am now working for a new Cable/Internet/Telco provider here in the KC metro area. Its just a technical support job, but it will pay my bills and leave me with money left over. I am getting kind of discouraged with the job though. When I was hired, my boss (Who I worked with at another company) said I would more than likely get a 3-Midnight schedule. I thought that was ok, then I got offered a 6am-3pm shift. I jumped on that as soon as I could. I love working early mornings, and getting off in the afternoon. Well, today I am sitting at home on the computer when my boss sends me a message. Pretty much saying that they schedule is going to change again and I can either take a 12 Noon-9pm shift, or wait for them to re-bid the shifts and get stuck with an even shittier shift. This kind of pisses me off, because as soon as I was starting to get use to having the perfect shift it gets changed. I am going to hate working 12-9pm, that is SUCH a shitty shift!!!!!!!! It completely ruins your day, you can't get shit done before you go to work or when you get off because its too late. This is all about respect, and how my boss has little to none for me. If he did, then he wouldn't have given me the option of taking that shitty 12-9 shift, or getting the even shittier shift of 3-Midnight. He said that I am getting dicked over because I have the least seniority. That is such bullshit! I am the most technically advanced tech there. I should be in the higher Tier3 technical position, but there was none open. This is bullshit... my second week on the job and I am already getting discouraged. Not a good sign. So, I guess thats it for tonight....