Monday, my Mom had to go and get some sort of "tube" put into her chest, and neck because her veins can't handle the chemo treatments. I went and saw her in the hospital that day, and she looked really bad. It was probably because of the surgery. Later that evening, probably around midnight I had to help her out of bed. Her neck hurt so bad, that she couldn't move her head and she couldn't get out of bed. It.... it really scared me because.. well I know my Mom is dying and its really hard to see her like that. Just a few months ago she was fine. Last week, all of her hair fell out. You would not believe how hard it is to see your mother like that. She had to be in the hospital on christmas day, christmas fucking day. I wish I knew when she was going to go... actually I don't think that I do. You just don't know how hard this is... the other night really scared me. After that night, all I could keep thinking of is my mom saying "I'm going to miss you the most...." And also her saying that she wishes she could see me get married and have children. This has really questioned my faith in God. I wasn't much of a believer before... I think Chef from Southpark said it best.....

"Stan, sometimes God takes those closes to us because it makes him feel better about himself, he is a very vengeful god Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago, he just can't get over it so he doesn't care who he takes, children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad..... Well, look at it this way, if you want to make a baby cry first you give it a lollipop, then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like god, who gives us life, and love, and health just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, its our tears Stan that give god his great power."

My Mom's hair has started to fall out. This reminded me just how serious this is, because she has been doing really good for the past few weeks. Not hurting very bad, or not hurting at all, up and doing things..... so I... I don't want to say `forgot` how serious her condition is, but this just brought me back down to earth. I don't really feel like writing about this anymore tonight.

You know what, I am so confused right now. I honestly do not know what going to happen, and this scares me. Usually, I can control things -- or I know what is going to happen with a specific disicion. Now I'm not sure if I even know that anymore.

I have been having really strange dreams lately. Let me tell you about the most recent `strange dream` that I had last night. I have about an hour to tell you too, before I have to go to sleep.

I remember drowning in an ocean, and as I'm sinking into the water I remember looking up at the surface and seeing the light slowing disapearing as I am singking farther. Then I realize that I'm going to die, so I think to myself I should just breathe and it will soon be over with. When I did breathe, if was like the first breathe of air I ever took. Felt so pure and refreshing. That is when I realized that I had died. All the sudden I was in a house, in the front yard. The house was a two level, with like an porch or something covering the front porch, and I want to say it was a grayish tone. I walked up to the front door, and as I went to open the door I walked right through it. Then I remember that I had died, and I was some sort of spirit. Walking through walls was something I just found that I could do. I walked through the house, and went directly to the bedroom upstairs. I walked through the wall, and saw a couple sleeping, as far a part as they could. When I got closer, I saw my friend Heather sleeping. It wasn't like it was her face, but she was a friend in the dream too. I was looking at her, and I could feel how unhappy she was. It seemed like her unhappiness was always in her mind, almost above every other thought. I was then at another friends apartment, where his wife was sitting in the living room crying. She was upset because of something her husband, my friend, had done. I didn't know why she was upset, only that she had been for a years and almost every time she was alone she cried like that. Then I was drowning again, the exact same way as before in this dream. After I breathed this time, I was in a public place with people around. Someone else had just died, I saw their face, and their features. He was about my height, same color hair as mine, but his was longer. The `skater` style cut would best discribe it. He was yelling "I sinned, and I'm not in hell!" He kept repeating this, over and over. Then with out warning, the ground where he was standing opened up, flames shot up, and he was gone. Then I turned to someone who was standing next to me and said something, although I can't remember what I said, or what they said back. I'm trying to remember as much of the dream as I can, and I know there is a lot more. I just have this feeling that more happened but I can't remember it. I remember finding out these `powers` that I had as a spirit, and one was giving life. Another was being able to listen to peoples thoughts and look through their minds. I also remember, that when I died I was either with my friend Amy when I died or.... because for some reason I remember her name being said right when I started sinking into the water.

I always have weird dreams. There will be times where I am awake, doing something and I'll remember a dream that I had a long time before then. But how do I know if I really dreamed that? I don't, and it gives me this really weird feeling. Because I know I have really weird dreams, and they play out like its real. I have always heard that you are not supposed to be able to feel, taste, smell, or anything like that in your dreams and I always do. I also have heard that when you die in your dreams, you wake right before you die. I never do, I always dream through the death and something else happens. But its not like another dream starts and I'm a live, something else happens and I'm dead while it happens. So its just one big long ass dream that is, to me real -- or it seems very real while I'm dreaming it.

For the last few months, I have been looking around trying to find the perfect place to move into. Well there is an apartment complex next door to the building I work in, and I have been waiting for an apartment to open up there. Last monday, one opened up and I went to look at it. Its pretty nice, hardwood floors, big enough for me, and its cheap. I told the property manager that I wanted it, so she has it saved for me. Later that week, I found out about my Mom. Ever sence then, I have thinking what I should do. I want to move out, and get on my own... but I also don't want my Mom to think that I'm deserting her or anything like that. I would be over there everyday spending time with her, the only thing that would really change is I wont be sleeping there anymore. I had a brief conversation with my Dad this morning about getting this apartment, and he said that I'm my own man and I can do what ever I want... but that my Mom needs me right now. So he basically said "do what you want, but the right thing to do is stay here, and if you don't I'll be upset with you." I know this sounds really selfish of me, but being 21 almost 22, it really sucks living with my parents... because I want to have friends over, women over and what not. I also need a place to get away... because right now I have to leave every night and drive around or sit somewhere in my truck to sob and cry. I refuse to do that in front of my parents, especially my Mom. Its just so damn hard sometimes, fuck I wish this wouldn't have happened. I just don't know what to do.... I want to do the right thing but this is such a big dicision. If I move out, I could possibly regret it for not spending enough time with my Mom.... This has to be the hardest thing I will ever deal with in my life. Not moving out, but my Mom and her having cancer. Its only been a few days since she was diagnoised, but it has been so hard - knowing that your mother will probably not live to see you get married and have kids. God its horrible to even think about it.... sigh....

Ok, I'm going to try this one more time. I have written in this three times now, and every time I try to publish it to the web, it fucks up. Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty. Anyways, its been too long - I haven't wrote for over a month. Let me tell you, this last month has been on hell of a month.

Last week, my Mom was diagnoised with Small Cell Cancer. It has invaded her cervix, liver, and pelvis. She started chemotheapry today, which she said isn't as bad as she thought. Friday, she was told that with the chemotheapery, she will have 2-5 years to live. This is horrible, the worst thing I will ever hear in my life time. Its sad, very sad to know that my Mom is going to die with in 5 years. Its so hard not to just break down in front of her, but I don't. I wont allow myself too, because she does not need that right now. She doesn't need to think that she is causing everyone pain, which she thinks right now. She doesn't need to think that, and with my Dad, her brother, and my Grandpa and Grandma it makes her feel like that. They are all taking this badly, even me. They have all cried, and grived with her and in front of her. I wont do this, because I don't want her to think that she is causing me pain. I am going to do everything in my power to make everything perfect for her, and spend as much time with her as I can... because if I don't and when we lose her I will never forgive myself for not spending as much time with her as I can. I am wanting to buy a camcorder, because I would rather have video tape to watch, and show my children, or who ever wants to watch them. My Mom is the best, she is so awesome. I can't remember one time growing up when I wasn't happy. I did have the best childhood, and the best parents in the world. I swear my parents are so cool.... I love them so much. Its just really hard to think that one day my Mom wont be here to decorate for the holidays, or she wont be in the front room sitting on the couch , in her spot watching tv.... or she wont see me get married or my children, god she is only 42 years old. I wish there was something I can do, I swear I would give anything, ANYTHING to save her.. but I know there isn't really anything anyone can do except hope and pray that the chemothepery works, because I don't know what I would do if I lost my Mom. Jesus, I can't even think about it with out crying.